The Actor

May 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

‘Do I know you?’

He didn’t but she knew him. He was instantly recognisable from posters and magazines. A face that was either extremely handsome or extremely ugly depending on your mood popping out of the top of the tightest most zipped-up leather jacket she had ever seen.

She answered negatively and as flatly as she could and hoped to hide the fact that her head was screaming like a fan at a Beatles concert.

He just looked at her with wide-eyes, bent forward, expecting.

He then continued ‘So, I don’t know you but I think that I should. Are you married?’

Again a flat no masking the inner groupies.

‘Don’t ever get married. What’s the point? And hell… I don’t get that I’m gonna get married vibe from you anyway.’

This didn’t come as a shock to her. A singer she’d had a crush on crushingly told her the same thing years before and perhaps wrote Not The Marrying Kind in invisible but testosterone friendly ink across her forehead without her knowledge. But that’s another story.

He continued quietly in her ear, obviously used to the sound of his own voice:

‘I had this girlfriend see, HAD note the word HAD cos she isn’t my girlfriend anymore. No fucking way. So this girlfriend, well I was so in love with her, do you know what I mean? I mean CRAZY in love with her.. really crazy and I wanted to do everything: get married, kids the whole goddam picnic but not now. No fucking way now. You ever been that crazy bout someone? Sure you have. Now that vibe I do get from you, you could be crazy about me even, I could imagine that. Where was I? Oh yes.. this girl well I want to give her everything, the BEST of everything so I go to Paris and I buy her stuff lots and lots of stuff. Stuff? You know, what you girls like, clothes and shit but the really good stuff. Luxury. You understand what I’m saying here? And what does my girlfriend CORRECTION EX GIRLFRIEND do? She starts crying. Yes she starts fuckin’ crying and telling me that she doesn’t like what I’ve picked and that I only wanna change her. So I get furious. Imagine me furious. You can right? Not pretty right.. and I throw her out and decide that’s it, that’s fucking it, the fucking ticket. Over’

He stops to look at her with those wide eyes again, sees apparent agreement in hers and carries on:

‘But I have this problem and the problem is this: when I was in love with her I made her something. You wanna know what it is right? OK I’m gonna tell you: I made her this beautiful thing. In a brochure it would be described as ‘a thing of beauty’. Think about that, about how important this thing is. And it’s from me. And because I’m madly in love I personalize it with my name and hers. You got it? Yep I knew you would, I feel that you get what I’m saying. And I’m thinking to myself how the fuck am I gonna get it back. And so I call her and demand it back. Hey it’s mine and I want it back. But she’s crying and saying that it reminds her of me and seeesh who wants to listen to all that crap so I hang up on her, mid sob so she knows I’m pissed. I try to forget about it but it’s there in my head. Every day it’s there.’

He collars a waiter for a drink, gulps and goes on:

‘Every day I’m thinking and then one day I get a call from a gallery and they have this idea about me doing some art project. At first this Japanese guy is chatting away, being all polite, not getting to the point, the usual and I’m a busy man and want to get off the phone but then he says the words: something important to you. It’s then I wake up cos I’ve been kinda dozing off. I can do anything I want as long as it’s important to me? Yes he says. I can hear that he’s getting excited. And I tell him about this idea and he likes it. But I have one condition I tell him. It has to be mass-produced. I don’t want 2 or 3 in the World, 2 or 3 things of beauty with my name on it I want thousands. And everyone has to be IDENTICAL with 2 names on it. Yes the same names each time. No not a thousand different names… he’s now beginning to piss me off but I pull it back… OK so yeah I have two conditions ha ha I’m laughing and agreeing with him kinda making him feel better. And when I put the phone down I’m really happy cos they’ll be 2 thousand things of beauty in the World. Well, 2 thousand and 1’

And he finishes his drink and walks off.

6 months later she walks into him again.

‘You married yet?’ he asks ‘Didn’t think so’.


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